Thursday, February 17, 2011

Judgey Much?

Valentine's is a bit of a trumped up holiday, don't you think? That isn't to say that I will refuse a gift on Valentine's, no, I would never do that. But the hubby and I don't usually subscribe to the accepted methods of celebration on the holiday reserved for lovers. Which partially explains why we chose to watch Machete during the time we set aside to observe the festivities.

Have you seen Machete? Oh, you should! It is 7 different kinds of cheestastic awesome. Unless, of course you have something against gratuitous violence. Then, umm, no, you really shouldn't. Little background, hmm? Machete started life as a trailer between the two movies that were the result of the Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez union, Grindhouse. That last brilliant decided it would be a good idea to make a full length motion picture out of the trailer, paying homage to the B Movie. The result? Glorious! Click here for the trailer. Don't worry, that you reveled in that little bit of cinematic beauty will be our secret.

Did you see the naked Eva Mendes wannabe at the beginning of the trailer? The one that asks "What's this long, hard thing?" To which Danny Trejo replies "My machete." ***SPOILERY TYPE STUFF AHEAD*** Somehow, she gets the jump on Machete (Danny Trejo's character), I don't remember how, it ain't important. But she does and when she does, she takes a step back, reaches down and pulls a cell phone OUT OF HER FUCKING VAGINA!!! And then makes a phone call on it. I mean, c'mon! Really? That is nasty. It wasn't no slim wonder of technology, either. This chick yanks out something like a first generation blackberry. I was appalled, and said so. My darling dearest laughed at my discomfort.

Fast forward. Machete is in the pool making out with Lindsay Lohan and another woman. Mr. Sprite makes a favourable comment on Lindsay Lohan's bangability. When the speechlessness has passed I ask him if he's kidding. He says that he's not and wonders why I should think otherwise. "Because she's a cum guzzling, coke whore, that's why!" (Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for that bit of eloquence, Dani. There was never a more fitting description). It's his turn to look appalled. Never one to be left speechless, he just comes right out and asks me how I can take issue with a woman pulling a cell phone OUT OF HER FUCKING VAGINA!!! but I have no qualms whatsoever with uttering the above mentioned phrase.

Honestly, I don't see the comparison. Ladies don't shove cell phones up their hooha's (I don't care how convenient a hidey-hole it is!) and Lindsay Lohan is a cum guzzling, coke whore. I'm speaking truths here, people! Am I right? ***END SPOILERY TYPE STUFF***


  1. Nothing like a little cum guzzling and playing 'hide the cell phone' to mark an extra spectacular Valentine's day... and you said you didn't celebrate.


  2. ... and might I add .... eeeeeewwwwwwwwww! on BOTH Lindsay Lohan and the hooha!