Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Checkin' In

I'm sick. The stomach flu made the rounds in my house last week and I dodged that bullet. One of co-workers had been feeling under the weather, sore throat, achey. Guess what I got? Blech!

We've been in Northern Alberta for 9 months. Seven of that it has been winter. I kid you not. I understand the rest of the country also suffers from a tardy spring but our winter started on Oct 10th. Yes, you read that right. When you're expecting amber leaves, crisp mornings, fog and golden sun, we got snow. A couple inches, if I remember correctly. It appears that the interim seasons -supposing and autumn - last one hot little minute. That's it. If I get my hands on my Mother Nature I'm gonna wring her little neck.

Well, that's it for tonight folks. I wanted to try blogging from my phone ( a first generation Galaxy Note) and it was surprisingly easy. But alas, my battery, it is dying! So I must away!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Sweet Dreams

I've told you that I recently began taking an anti-depressant/anxiety medication. I've struggled with both for the better part of my life. I had, for a long time, some semblance of control over it. But the last couple of years were particularly difficult and a move nearly clear across the country was the straw that broke the camel's back, I think. After sitting on my stairs, crying uncontrollably after an argument with my husband - not even a bad one- that was reasonably resolved, I thought perhaps it was time to talk to my doctor about medication. I talked to her about my previous coping methods, the stressful events in recent memory, the increasing number of panic attacks and my tendency toward rage and uncontrollable sobbing and she agreed. That was a lot of info leading up to the point of my post. A fun side effect of this particular medication is crazy dreams. And if dreams are your subconscious' way of cleaning house than mine is a dark and dirty little place.

Dystopia, torture, abandonment, power are all recurring themes. If my dreams are any inclination I have some serious issues. The shit happening behind the scenes is depressing! But don't get me wrong, even with such dismal themes, my dreams aren't all bad. I'm often in a position of some power or I'm self-reliant and successful. Others turn to me for support, protection or advice. Or I'm torturing people. Very satisfying, on occasion.

Then there are the rom-com dreams. These are the scariest of all and the ones I refuse to look at too closely. I'm afraid I'll discover I'm a pathetic, shallow shell of a woman whose every problem can be solved by the discovery and acquisition of a good-ish man. Gag.

And all of it happens in incredible, amazing, techno-colour, 1080p, hi-def detail. They are beautiful to watch.

Also, much to my displeasure, I am no longer a lucid dreamer. It's completely gone. I am still often aware that I am dreaming but helpless to control the turn of events. Which is really annoying. But I must admit that my subconscious is far more imaginative than my conscious. Fun fact: I Googled lucid dreaming to ensure I was using the correct term and there is a 16 step guide to lucid dreaming. I didn't read it. I may have to. I was under the impression this was something you can or can't do. It wasn't an acquired skill. It seems I was wrong and am but a how-to away from being in control once more.

Sometimes, the crazy dreams make for something less than a restful night and in the morning I`m often compelled to share the night's feature with the family (more than one interesting conversation has begun this way). My daughter, my musings biggest fan, insists I commit my dreams to paper. She knows my biggest wish to be a published writer and is always trying to get me to write. I adore her constant devotion and encouragement. And she's not wrong, a successful writer must do a lot of two things; read and write. One of which I do more than the other but not enough of both, really. Perhaps she's right and my dreams are the place to start. My muse in disguise? Perhaps. Stranger things have been known to happen.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Where Was I going With This?

It may be time to retire this here blog. I can't say I really want to, I don't. I love to write. I love the feedback in the comments. I love having a place on the internet to call my own. But a lot has happened and I wonder if trying to keep this up is beating a dead horse.

A few of the things on my mind:

1. Many of the thoughts I've had lately, that I've deemed worth sharing seem to fit perfectly into a Facebook status. Are my thoughts so shallow or have I weeded them out on my own or have I talked myself out of sharing the complexities of my deeper thoughts? Dunno. A little of everything, I think.

2. I am the queen of procrastination. I can procrastinate harder than the hardest and often do. Avoiding the important things with the mundane, pushing aside the things I wish to do in the name of the important stuff I'm avoiding. A guilt trip like no other. "I cannot blog if I have not studied, so I'll watch repeats of Storage Wars!"

3. I have developed an apathy I haven't fully defined. It doesn't seem to apply to any one thing in particular and never the same thing twice. So, today I may not give a fuck about world peace but tomorrow I'm the biggest advocate. While the book I couldn't put down yesterday holds no interest today. I've recently started taking an anti-depressant which has been a life-saver in so many ways. I had no idea how down I was before that precious little pill but I can't help but wonder if this is a nasty little side effect. I'm working on how I'll overcome.

Like I said, I'm undecided. I like it here and writing tonight felt good. I don't think I'm ready to let it go just yet. We'll see.