I've told you that I recently began taking an anti-depressant/anxiety medication. I've struggled with both for the better part of my life. I had, for a long time, some semblance of control over it. But the last couple of years were particularly difficult and a move nearly clear across the country was the straw that broke the camel's back, I think. After sitting on my stairs, crying uncontrollably after an argument with my husband - not even a bad one- that was reasonably resolved, I thought perhaps it was time to talk to my doctor about medication. I talked to her about my previous coping methods, the stressful events in recent memory, the increasing number of panic attacks and my tendency toward rage and uncontrollable sobbing and she agreed. That was a lot of info leading up to the point of my post. A fun side effect of this particular medication is crazy dreams. And if dreams are your subconscious' way of cleaning house than mine is a dark and dirty little place.
Dystopia, torture, abandonment, power are all recurring themes. If my dreams are any inclination I have some serious issues. The shit happening behind the scenes
is depressing! But don't get me wrong, even with such dismal themes, my dreams aren't all bad. I'm often in a position of some power or I'm self-reliant and successful. Others turn to me for support, protection or advice. Or I'm torturing people. Very satisfying, on occasion.
Then there are the rom-com dreams. These are the scariest of all and the ones I refuse to look at too closely. I'm afraid I'll discover I'm a pathetic, shallow shell of a woman whose every problem can be solved by the discovery and acquisition of a good-ish man. Gag.
And all of it happens in incredible, amazing, techno-colour, 1080p, hi-def detail. They are beautiful to watch.
Also, much to my displeasure, I am no longer a lucid dreamer. It's completely gone. I am still often aware that I am dreaming but helpless to control the turn of events. Which is really annoying. But I must admit that my subconscious is far more imaginative than my conscious. Fun fact: I Googled lucid dreaming to ensure I was using the correct term and there is a
16 step guide to lucid dreaming. I didn't read it. I may have to. I was under the impression this was something you can or can't do. It wasn't an acquired skill. It seems I was wrong and am but a how-to away from being in control once more.
Sometimes, the crazy dreams make for something less than a restful night and in the morning I`m often compelled to share the night's feature with the family (more than one interesting conversation has begun this way). My daughter, my musings biggest fan, insists I commit my dreams to paper. She knows my biggest wish to be a published writer and is always trying to get me to write. I adore her constant devotion and encouragement. And she's not wrong, a successful writer must do a lot of two things; read and write. One of which I do more than the other but not enough of both, really. Perhaps she's right and my dreams are the place to start. My muse in disguise? Perhaps. Stranger things have been known to happen.
