Thursday, July 16, 2009

Decisions, Decisions

I would like to write an ass-kicking fabulous post tonight, but I am afraid my brain is pre-occupied with other things. The pre-occupation is worrisome in and of itself because normally I have absolutely no trouble whatsoever tuning out realty and pulling up a front row seat to my imagination. I'm going to assume my imagination is in perfect working order and I have absolutely nothing to be worried about where that is concerned, perhaps I am learning how to make a decision. If that is the case, I don't wanna. I don't wanna because the decision bites big hairy you know whats. My job sucks. My jobs sucks in so many ways and on so many levels it is staggering. I hate my job. I wanted so badly to start a career, to be successful, self-sufficient, blah, blah, blah. I applied for and was given a position as a mortgage consultant. First and foremost, it would appear I am not cut out to be a sales person. Fine. I can accept my shortcomings (no, no I can't). It would also seem I may work for one of the devils nearest and dearest minions. My boss is ......well, let's just say he's something special. Many of his other employees would aspire to be top ranking members of the Dark Lord's team as well. I am only trying to be a little funny. But this, this is not my problem. My problem is my confidence is shattered. I thought I had made a good decision when I started this job. I thought it was the answer to what I wanted in a career. I was wrong in a big way and now I am afraid to make a decision, because I'm afraid of the outcome. Oh. And I have never failed at anything. Well, I have failed before but it was because I procrastinated or I didn't really give it the good ol' college try or whatever. I have never failed when I really put my mind to it. But this I failed and I'd be lying if I didn't tell you if feels like a punch in the gut. The realization that I am not perfect, I cannot do whatever the hell I want to is pretty fuckin' hard to swallow. It goes down a little easier with a rum chaser, but really, that's a dead end street ya know. And I have made a couple of friends. I will still be friends with them when I leave, but still, it's the kind of situation that makes me want to rescue someone. So, I guess I have decided I am going to quit (not before I find another job) but will I leave for something better or anything? Can I put up with it long enough to find something that could very well prove to be a career, do I trust myself enough to be judge of what is better? Or, do I cut and run? Take the first thing that comes along? Gah! Imagination, where are you?


  1. Oh Eyvi.
    It pains me to see you suffering this way. It doesn't help that I feel responsible for introducing you to this. You are such a unique and fabulous person, and I have been watching your spirit shrivel and cower under the poison that lives and breathes in this hell hole - you have not failed. We have failed you... and by 'we' I mean all of Satan's minions...
    Whatever you decide - I'm sure it will go better than this ... and if not - chalk it up to a learning experience ... but I'm certain I speak for anyone who knows you - NOTHING is worth allowing your spirit to shrivel ... nothing.

  2. Oh no! It's like career purgatory, isn't it? Ugh, I'm so sorry to say that I'm with you, in a miserable and unfulfilling job that does nothing for me except (barely) pay the bills. My sincere hope that you (and I) can turn things around and find something better.

  3. It's not a failure! TRUST me when I tell you that I see people every day who fail at work. It sounds so trite, but I genuinely mean it, the only people who fail are the ones who don't try and who don't give a shit. It's just not a fit for you. The same way working with children, giving financial advice or just being nice to people is not a fit for me.

    Whatever you decide to do, know that it's not permanent and it's truly ok to try on different jobs before deciding on "a career". I'd be happy to look over your resume if you would like.

  4. Danica, You are not to blame! If I hadn't been so determined.....Seriously, don't feel bad, life lesson and all that jazz.

    Whorish Mouth, Here's hopin'! We spend so much time at work, I really truly believe we should be doing something we enjoy and working with people we can tolerate.

    Lainey, Thanks for the boost! And I think being nice to people fits you very well (I will keep your resume offer in mind). I would think the people you aren't being nice to don't deserve it anyway. Now I'm off to not whine.....