Thursday, July 16, 2009
I would like to write an ass-kicking fabulous post tonight, but I am afraid my brain is pre-occupied with other things. The pre-occupation is worrisome in and of itself because normally I have absolutely no trouble whatsoever tuning out realty and pulling up a front row seat to my imagination. I'm going to assume my imagination is in perfect working order and I have absolutely nothing to be worried about where that is concerned, perhaps I am learning how to make a decision. If that is the case, I don't wanna. I don't wanna because the decision bites big hairy you know whats. My job sucks. My jobs sucks in so many ways and on so many levels it is staggering. I hate my job. I wanted so badly to start a career, to be successful, self-sufficient, blah, blah, blah. I applied for and was given a position as a mortgage consultant. First and foremost, it would appear I am not cut out to be a sales person. Fine. I can accept my shortcomings (no, no I can't). It would also seem I may work for one of the devils nearest and dearest minions. My boss is ......well, let's just say he's something special. Many of his other employees would aspire to be top ranking members of the Dark Lord's team as well. I am only trying to be a little funny. But this, this is not my problem. My problem is my confidence is shattered. I thought I had made a good decision when I started this job. I thought it was the answer to what I wanted in a career. I was wrong in a big way and now I am afraid to make a decision, because I'm afraid of the outcome. Oh. And I have never failed at anything. Well, I have failed before but it was because I procrastinated or I didn't really give it the good ol' college try or whatever. I have never failed when I really put my mind to it. But this I failed and I'd be lying if I didn't tell you if feels like a punch in the gut. The realization that I am not perfect, I cannot do whatever the hell I want to is pretty fuckin' hard to swallow. It goes down a little easier with a rum chaser, but really, that's a dead end street ya know. And I have made a couple of friends. I will still be friends with them when I leave, but still, it's the kind of situation that makes me want to rescue someone. So, I guess I have decided I am going to quit (not before I find another job) but will I leave for something better or anything? Can I put up with it long enough to find something that could very well prove to be a career, do I trust myself enough to be judge of what is better? Or, do I cut and run? Take the first thing that comes along? Gah! Imagination, where are you?